So, as a carer life has been
something of a roller coaster for the last however many years, all things
considered more downs than up for me... I've been through every emotion you can
imagine, except probably joy.
Two years ago now I got the
news that my wife would never be well enough to return to the community, and
though the diagnosis was still unclear, it didn't come as a surprise to me... a
shock yes, traumatic yes, devastating yes, but not a surprise. I'd seen the
spirit ebb away from her, she was becoming an almost lifeless living body, and
it was so so hard to watch it happening... I could do nothing about it. It was
happening and my situation had to change to cope with things... I was totally
out of control of what was happening and simply couldn't cope with what was
happening to us, and getting more and more upset.
One weight was removed from
my shoulders when I was able to pay off our mortgage, but my wife continued to
decline... the doctors said that they didn't have the facilities or specific knowledge
of her condition, now confirmed as vascular dementia, and that she would need
to be transferred to a residential care home. Now, if you've ever had to make
that decision, to have your wife put into a care home, with all the publicity
surrounding them, you will understand how stressful that was... to be honest,
it was an easy decision, I could never have coped with her at home whatever
level of support I had
It was obviously the right
decision, you didn't have to think long to understand that, but that doesn't
begin to address your emotions, they tell you another story... and the story I
was hearing loudest was that I was abdicating responsibility, letting her down,
taking the easy way out. Everyone I know told me that a residential home was
the right place for her, that it was unfair on everyone to think of having her
back at home.
Now she is settled in a
magnificent care home, much of the pressure is off me, I don't have the day to
day caring chores that others have, I can carry on with my life without having
to spend every minute thinking I need to be back to wash her, dress her, clean
her up or any of the other countless tasks that fall to the carer
So that makes it easy for me
doesn't it? Really? If you haven't been there you will never know the levels of
guilt I feel... should I have done something more to prevent the onset of the
condition? Should I have been braver and looked after her at home longer? Well,
the honest answer is I couldn't have prevented the condition, couldn't have
delayed it... it is what it is. As for having her at her... well the medical
advice was "no way" the advice from the family was "no way"
and I know that given that the fact that a ward of the finest nurses I have
ever encountered didn't have the skills and facilities to give her the best,
what chance I?.
So, open and shut case, i
have nothing to feel guilty about... wish someone would tell my mind that.
And another thing... the
thing that really pushes my guilt into overdrive... why the hell should I be
well, enjoy the grandchildren, when my wife... who was born to be a wonderful
grandma... barely recognizes anyone and cannot know and love them... that
breaks my heart... and I feel such huge guilt about it all.
I am also so torn about
visits... I feel I should go every day... as it is, I only go twice a week at
present, and yes there's another couple of notches on the old guiltometer.
When i do go, and see the
condition she is now in, it breaks my heart again... I desperately want to see
her, but when I do it makes me think of all the things she should be doing, we
should be doing, now... and will never be able to do them together. That is
when i am at my lowest loneliest ebb.
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