Que Sera Sera

As a fairly long term carer for a wife with mental illness, I had always thought that my isolation and lack of support was unique. However after a while I started to talk about the issues, and started to learn that my concerns were far from unique, that the majority of carers shared them.

This of course made me feel better about it! That is why I started blogging, to share my concerns, partly to let others know that they aren’t alone and partly to seek reassurance for my own insecurities.

My life has moved along, as lives do, some problems are resolved, the main problem, which is my dear wife’s crumbling heralth continues to get worse, so the pressures are still there.

However, nearly two years since learning that she will never come home, will have to spend the rest of her life (she is only 56) in a nursing home, will never enjoy our gorgeous grandchildren, and since she actually spoke, I am at last coming to terms with these issues and starting to develop a new life of my own.

Many would say that is natural, but here is where I feel that my own issues start to become unique again.

18 months ago, the brainless tactless bitch of a consultant told me, in front of a dozen other people in a ward round that “this will split you up as a couple”… referring to her illness. Now, it is not just to prove the cow wrong, but it will not. I love her as much now as I did in the first flush of our romance, some 38 years ago, although obviously the nature of the relationship has changed dramatically. The dynamics of the family are changed,  we are not together except during the hospital visits, some of which are quite pleasant, many of which are so totally distressing. Although the romance, the companionship, the closeness and the physical side of the relationship are gone, the love remains, strong as ever.

Here is the first part of the dilemma… I see her now as she is, the sparkle is gone, the conversation is gone, the understanding is gone, she looks lost and old. I am losing the memory of her as she was, a lively, intelligent woman, my lover, my best friend… the love of my life.

That is why I have put in the photo of her just before the illness took her, it reminds me of the woman she was, the woman I love. 

The dilemma is here. Clearly while she is alive she is my wife. I want nothing to change there, I signed up to “in sickness and in health” and as I said earlier I still love her, and always will do so.

However, I know I need to make a new life for myself, and am starting to do just that, I am finding new friends, many of whom are female. The last thing I want right now is a new full time relationship… My wife will always be first for me, and I have no intention of changing that.

Will that always be the case,? I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that now I am on my own, I spend a lot of time alone simply missing her, missing the way she would ease my fears and worries, boost my flagging ego, make me feel valued… O fcourse I have friends who do that sort of thing for me, but it isn’t the same is it? With my wife it would take just a look, a smile, a touch… words weren’t always needed… with my friends it is different, the touch, the greeting and parting hugs, the encouraging comments are all welcome, treasured, but they are not built out of nearly forty years love and companionship.

I need those reassurances; I need them desperately these days… I miss her so much, but I still need that feminine touch and support from someone who needs me in the same way, but sadly it cannot be my wife.

Am I wrong to be thinking that I need those reassurances, I wake up in the night, I can’t sleep, I desperately need someone just to hear them breathing, to just put their arms around me and  soothe me… but can I do that? I would be being disloyal to her… letting her down… but I am sacrificing my own happiness in saying that. Look, nothing will stop me loving my wife… Is it wrong to consider the possibility of some sort of romance in the future… am I being unreasonable thinking about that? Am I being fair?

Of course, I am no oil painting, not exactly a body beautiful… it is not as though I am a “babe magnet”!!!! What chance would I have anyway. A relationship is not something I will go out and look for, if it were to come my way though, would I be right or wrong to go with it.

Right now this is academic, but relationships develop, I know many ladies, it could happen for me at some time… it could… Should I reject the chance for that comforting arm out of loyalty to my wife? Should I take the chance of that sort of comfort? If I do, am I letting my wife down???

I really don’t know, I do know that even in a crowd, with close friends, I am lonely and miss her like crazy. I don’t think that that will ever change.